Athlete Christmas Lists: Daniel Murphy

Hey Santa, man … I don’t know if you can do this for me, but I don’t really know who else to ask.  Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this dream burning a hole in my head — I see it every night when I go to sleep, and it stays with me all day, every day.  It’s all I can think about.  And I’m thinking maybe you’re the guy to help me out with it:

I want to be a herald of Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, man, you gotta talk to Galactus about that.” But hear me out, Santa. I know you’re the kind of guy that can make magic happen, and they always have such kickass powers and weapons and costumes!

And The Power Cosmic. Holy shit, The Power Cosmic. Don’t even get me started on The Power Cosmic.

Do you even realize what my BABIP would be if, every time I stepped to the plate, my body coursed with the raw furious matter-transmuting-and-obliterating energy of The Power Cosmic, just begging to be directed through my cosmic bat toward any rawhide-encased projectile? Significantly higher than .286, I’d wager.

Also, um, fucking FLYING? Through SPACE?!? Uh, yeah, dude. Sign me the hell up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’d have to sacrifice the life force of my world and the existence of everyone I love to make this happen. I get it. But most people are bastards anyway. And if you’re asking me whether I’d rather be soaring through the Milky Way with a bat that directs The Power Cosmic or in a platoon with Carlos Delgado, keeping the seat warm for a kid named Ike? I think we both know the answer to that question.

Bet Firelord is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him.  Maybe I could make my name like his name, kinda.  Like “Heatking.”  Or “Flameduke.”  Yeah, “Flameduke The Hitter.” So sick.

So, listen, I know that’s kind of a tall order, but I’d really appreciate it if you could set this up.  And I guess, failing that, Hangover on DVD.  Thanks, friend.

Fly safe,
Flameduke The Hitter ;)


Athlete Christmas Lists: Louis Amundson

Hai Santar Klause. Thee time of Noel brings moch Joyeux to thee Amundson faimylee — my munder, Grental; my fandhur, Sifrej; und my sistahrl, Sheila.  I am howping you wheel give me owl thee *.gifs I desahr; I hav been one vary gud boy for many munds.

  1. One wahl postahr of D2: Thee Maitee Dux, co-stahring my cosinn;
  2. Hongolvar on DVD;
  3. Thee Kahmpleet Studyo Ahlbooms Bachs of Thee Sugourcyoobes, mai faivoorit band;
  4. So moch keendlung;
  5. Goodwheel toewhahrd MIMS.

Gud bai bai,

Athlete Christmas Lists: Mike Bibby


  3. Hangover on DVD.

Warmest regards,

Athlete Christmas Lists: Esteban Loaiza

Heeeeeeeyyy there, Nick.  How they hangin’?

Oh, come on, old timer.  No need to be shy with me.  Hell, I’ll tell you about how mine are hangin’.  Ask anybody, and they’ll tell you — I’m very, very open about how mine hang.  Just dig talkin’ ’bout ’em.  Always have, I guess; ever since I could remember, I’ve just kinda dug lettin’ folks know about m’balls.

Sure, I’ve got my hand over ’em now — but that’s just to draw your eyes down there.  So now you’re lookin at ’em.  And you’re thinkin’ about ’em.  Am I right?  Of course I am.

Admit it: You can’t help but think about Esteban Loaiza’s balls, Santa Claus.  Know how you feel.  I can’t either.

  1. Two cases, Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Because obviously.
  2. A ticket to the premiere of the new A-Team movie. Always loved Hannibal. Not sure if you knew that about me.
  3. Seven pairs of How Ya Hangin?, the best boxers in underwear history.
  4. Mary Murphy, the loudmouth ballroom judge from So You Think You Can Dance? For one night. That’s all I need.
  5. Hangover on DVD.

Hasta Loaiza,

Athlete Christmas Lists: Kevin Youkilis

Santa Claus,

I celebrate Hanukkah.  Yeah, that’s right — the Festival of Lights.  Blow me, asshole.

Also, don’t think you’re fooling me.  We both know you switched the K to a C to throw off the tribunals.  I’m not buying your story for a heartbeat.

Eat it,

P.S.: Still a couple candles left to light, sooo … Hangover on DVD.

Athlete Christmas Lists: David Diehl

Hey Santa!  What’s up, man?  That’s good, REAL good — bet you’re excited for the big night, huh?  Fuckin’ game day, right?  I’d be so psyched.  You’re gonna kill it, bro, don’t even fuckin’ sweat it.

Things are fuckin’ AWESOME here, man.  Healthy, happy, on a team that occasionally gets its shit together … can’t ask for much more’n’that, bro, right?

Come on, man, hell yeah I can! It’s Christmas! Segue king, right? If you could hook me up with a couple of these, it’d be huge. HUGE. Thanks, champ.

  1. The five-disc set of SCTV Vol. 3. Nah, don’t sweat it, chief — already got the first two. Fuckin’ LOVE improv.
  2. Crate of Sport Beans. Sometimes you need to just fuckin’ explode your performance.
  3. Sick 10-speed. Endurance.
  4. Sick 10-speed blender. Fuckin’ protein.
  5. Hangover on DVD.

Take ‘er easy,

Athlete Christmas Lists: Devin Brown

Dear Santa:

Pretty dope that you give everyone presents, even if most people don’t know ’em. Could you give me these presents? Be pretty great if you did.

  1. 1-year membership renewal, Kata Hajime Jiu-Jitsu Institute of New Orleans
  2. Voltron kit
  3. 1 bottle of fast-acting friendmaking pills, that I could give to people I meet to make new friends fast
  4. Hangover on DVD
  5. Goodwill toward MIMS

Sincerely yours,

Devin Brown, Kata Hajime Class of ’08