Tag Archives: new york giants

Athlete Christmas Lists: Barry Cofield

(sotto voce)

um, hey santa. my name is barry. um. cofield. barry cofield.

how are you? i hope things are ok. because at christmas-time, things should be ok for you.

/laughs nervously, coughs, clears throat

sorry. um. i’m kinda nervous, like, talking to you. not that you’re mean or anything, no, uh, that’s not what i mean. it’s just, um, i get a little shy around celebrities. it happens a lot, i guess. like, um, when i met the real estate agent lady from the bus stop ads. i got real shy then.

even though she’s, um, on all these bus stops, she’s talking to me and holding my arm, just because i have a two-pound ring. i couldn’t believe it. it was so great.

i mean, not great like talking to you, though. um, you’re a different kind of great. oh, man.

/laughs nervously, coughs, clears throat

anyway. um. there’s really just one thing i want, if you don’t mind, santa — i mean, if it’s ok to ask you, um, sir. i know, uh, a lot of the guys are asking for expensive things or the hangover on dvd, or, um, even to try to kill you and stuff. but if you could get the guys to stop making fun of when people do cosplay, i’d like it. it’s nice to feel like someone else sometimes. less, um, scary.

like when you make your own aquaman costume and pretend like you’re the ruler of an underwater kingdom and you get to make all the decisions, and there’s no osi or strahan or justin or antonio or coach steve or coach tom or anyone else to tell me to just be quiet and push the pocket, barry, I’M NOT A MACHINE I’M A MAN AND SOMETIMES I’M BETTER THAN A MAN I’M AQUAMAN.

/laughs nervously, coughs, clears throat

um, that’d be nice, santa.


Athlete Christmas Lists: David Diehl

Hey Santa!  What’s up, man?  That’s good, REAL good — bet you’re excited for the big night, huh?  Fuckin’ game day, right?  I’d be so psyched.  You’re gonna kill it, bro, don’t even fuckin’ sweat it.

Things are fuckin’ AWESOME here, man.  Healthy, happy, on a team that occasionally gets its shit together … can’t ask for much more’n’that, bro, right?

Come on, man, hell yeah I can! It’s Christmas! Segue king, right? If you could hook me up with a couple of these, it’d be huge. HUGE. Thanks, champ.

  1. The five-disc set of SCTV Vol. 3. Nah, don’t sweat it, chief — already got the first two. Fuckin’ LOVE improv.
  2. Crate of Sport Beans. Sometimes you need to just fuckin’ explode your performance.
  3. Sick 10-speed. Endurance.
  4. Sick 10-speed blender. Fuckin’ protein.
  5. Hangover on DVD.

Take ‘er easy,

David Diehl: Adequate offensive lineman, virtuoso impressionist/comedy stylist

UPDATE! Technical difficulties be damned! We now have video, courtesy of Peter Wade at the fine Brooklyn Mutt. Of course, we still recommend that you visit the Star-Ledger’s site and give them your business, as they were the originators of this compelling, compelling content.

We’d also like to thank the folks at Can’t Stop the Bleeding for linking to us this afternoon. To show how truly thankful I am, I’ve moved the enlarged photo of a smiling David Diehl, along with my witty caption, from the top of the post to the bottom.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “diehl vid“, posted with vodpod

In a performance that makes Dana Carvey’s turn in The Master of Disguise look like Hulk Hogan’s effort in Rocky III, New York Giants offensive lineman David Diehl blew the doors off of Manhattan comedy club Comix last night.  The ad wizards that came up with this one decided that the best vehicle for Diehl’s short-form improv skills would be a dinner scene in which he played former NFL MVP/more recently former NFL season killer/current lawn-wrangling interloper Brett Favre.  And you’re not going to believe this: Diehl plays him as indecisive.

Hilarity ensues, Waiting for Guffman is real, and my boss just came to the realization that Jimmie “J.J.” Walker was “really a minstrel, huh?”  Happy Thursday.  Who needs a drink?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently, WordPress and NJ.com aren’t exactly on speaking terms, and the extent of WordPress’ video-embedding help is, “Um, try VodPod?”  While this particular David Diehl video isn’t exactly must-have video, if anyone out there can help a brother figure out how to make the video work here, I’d certainly appreciate it.

"Hey, check out my mouth's impression of a picket fence."

Dear New York Giants:

Do not want. Do not listen. Yo, FUCK this dude. That is all.


this is the city line.

UPDATE: Hooray!

Plax will gladly pay you never for a hamburger today

EDITOR’S NOTE: Well aware that this is ancient at this point — I’d started work on it when it was still somewhat relevant, then got shut down by work, and all of a sudden it was a full two days after the news cycle had stopped giving a shit and I still felt partial to the image. Your indulgence is appreciated.


Shocking news out of New York on Monday: Someone found engaging in a business relationship with embulleted New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress to be “an ordeal.”  Well, knock me over with an obviousness!

Frankly, it surprises me far more that the AP did this much digging on Plax’s background than it does that he’s forgotten, neglected or flat-out declined to fulfill his legal, financial or adult responsibilities on at least nine occasions over the past nine years.  I had pretty much accepted as a given that, with the exception of those periods of motivation during which he could elevate his athletic gifts to a level matched by very few of his peers, he was pretty much a focusless fuckup more suited to a supporting role in How High? or a Waldo Faldo-heavy episode of Family Matters than to matters of, y’know, any sort of relevance.  That anyone else hadn’t is something of a shock to me.

Also, did you know that Wimpy’s full name is J. Wellington Wimpy?  Because that fucking blew my mind.

Adieu, 2008 New York Giants (or, Perspective: My Anti-Drug)

As a lifelong Giants fan, I’m not trying to say that this doesn’t suck; it certainly does.  (For a finely nuanced breakdown of how much it sucks, check out the estimable Big Blue 101’s take immediately following the game.)  But today, in the brisk air and all-restoring light of a January morning, I’m suggesting that my fellow Giants fans focus not on this:

Eli gets double-stuffed LIKE HIS RACING LEAGUE ROFLJEOMK (AP photo/Julie Jacobson)

Or on this:

(AP photo/Bill Kostroun)

REEEEEEACH (AP photo/Bill Kostroun)

Or even, douchetastic as it may have seemed, on this:

(AP photo/Bill Kostroun)

Actually funny, but I have to be mad by law. (AP photo/Bill Kostroun)

Instead, I’m suggesting that we spend today remembering this:

Tucks pick-six against the Rams. (Getty Images photo)

Tuck's pick-six against the Rams. (Getty Images photo)

And this:

Jacobs jumps toward the end zone in the Plax-week win against the Redskins in D.C. (AP photo/Nick Wass)

Jacobs jumps toward the end zone in the Plax-week win against the Redskins in D.C. (AP photo/Nick Wass)

And this:

Boss snags a TD against the title-game-bound Cardinals. (Reuters photo)

Boss snagging a TD against the Cardinals. (Reuters photo)

And, of course, most importantly, this:

This happened less than a year ago.

This happened less than a year ago. Think back on that.

Call me an apologist, an optimist, a fool, whatever, but I refuse to call this year’s incarnation of the Giants a disappointment.  While I’m obviously displeased with yesterday’s result, I can’t help but view this season as a net positive.

Despite losing their longtime leader (Michael Strahan) to retirement, their best defensive player (Osi Umenyiora) to injury before the start of the regular season and their most talented offensive player (duh) to an inexcusably poor decision (sweatpants in a club? f’real? oh, and the gun), the Giants won 12 games and a division title.  Not only that, but they did it in enjoyable fashion, slamming the ball down opponents’ throats with a vicious running game keyed by two 1,000-yard rushers (Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward) and a mauling offensive line.  Furthermore, they did it by playing careful football, limiting turnovers (just 13, tied with Miami for fewest in the league) and featuring a defense that was not only aggressive (42 sacks, third in the NFC) but also more opportunistic (17 picks, fourth-best in the NFC, and a +9 turnover differential, tops in the conference) than the Meadowlands had seen in recent years.

We saw the birth of stars on both sides of the ball with the emergence of Jacobs and Justin Tuck.  Despite the bad taste he left in our mouths with his outing yesterday, we saw our much-maligned quarterback take another step forward, carrying his steady performance from last year’s playoffs into the season and playing (for most of the year, at least) the quarterback position as well as it’s been played here since Phil Simms left.  (Granted, that says more about the state of the Giants’ QB position over the past two decades than about Eli’s aptitude, but still.)

We watched the continued development of a potentially fantastic young secondary, with Corey Webster and Aaron Ross proving to be legitimate starters at cornerback and the often promising troika of Michael Johnson, James Butler and Kenny Phillips at safety.  We saw underrated defensive tackles Fred Robbins and Barry Cofield get richly deserved recognition for their contributions (particularly Robbins, who leaped out of the gate before being slowed by injuries, and whose absence was sorely felt during the Giants’ late-season troubles).

And it all came the year after they made one of the most improbable championship runs in modern NFL history.  As I reminded folks following my live-tweet of the game on Twitter yesterday: “Remember that our boys won the whole fucking thing last year, then take a deep breath.” To have asked for any more would have been greedy.

That said: While Giants fans have a lot to feel good about (whether or not they can feel it just yet), there are major questions going forward.  Namely:

  • Whither Steve Spagnuolo? The Giants’ sterling defensive coordinator is again among the most sought-after options for teams looking to fill head coaching vacancies, and with New York out of the playoffs, GMs/presidents can now put on the full-court press to land him.  Defensive players rave about playing for him, and his pressure schemes have restored a swagger to the unit that has been largely responsible for the team’s resurgence over the past two seasons.  If he gets hit with the right offer, he’s gotta follow the John Fox path and skate; the question then becomes who gets the keys to the D, and can they keep it performing at the same high level that Spags did?
  • How does GM Jerry Reese resolve the contract situation at running back? Both Jacobs and Ward are up for free agency, and third-stringer Ahmad Bradshaw strict-up admitted that he wouldn’t be unhappy if neither came back next year. (Yes, he did so during a jokey FOX “interview” with Strahan, but dude definitely looked to be kidding on the square.)
  • What does the team do about Harris Smith, everyone’s favorite gunman on the fleecy knoll? He’s worn out his welcome like an acrid-farting mother-in-law, but the lack of respect that opposing defenses showed for the Giants’ suddenly pedestrian receiving corps in his absence hasn’t gone unnoticed.  Whether or not Reese and co. decide to bring him back, it’s apparent that the offense flourished when Manning had a big-play threat split wide that could beat tight coverage, made defenses pay for choosing to stack the box against the run and forced coordinators to commit additional resources to the passing game.  If Plax ain’t that anymore, then a reasonable facismile needs to be found in trade or free agency, because it’s not likely that the Giants are going to find that guy in the draft.
  • Can you count on Osi? Despite racking up 42 sacks on the season, the squad was often unable to get QB pressure at critical junctures.  O-lines focused on limiting Tuck and dared the remaining linemen to hit the quarterback; on days like yesterday, they too often couldn’t, allowing QBs to keep plays alive and stretch the young secondary past its breaking point, or leading Spagnuolo to bring heat from the back seven, creating dangerous one-on-one matchups in the passing game.  On the one hand, plugging an All-Pro defensive end like Umenyiora back into the starting lineup seems like the cure for what ailed the D-line; on the other, dude’s coming off a torn lateral meniscus, so there’s no guarantee he’ll be as explosive or effective.
  • Will they find a legit home run threat in the return game? With the exception of Bradshaw’s game-opening 65-yard burst yesterday, the Giants got virtually nothing out of their kick returners after the Plaxident bumped Domenik Hixon’s name up the WR depth chart and off of special teams.  The ability to change field position and put pressure on opposing coverage units can help non-explosive offensive teams step on the throats of opponents while taking some of the big-play onus off of the passing game, which might be just what the doctor ordered if Reese can’t find Plax’s replacement.

There are more issues to address — the need for an infusion of speed at linebacker, for one — but to continue would be to belabor a point that’s best made another day.  Last night was the Irish wake for the Giants’ 2008 season (I know I sure as shit drank); today’s the memorial service, where we mourn the passing of a good, solid and likable (for the fans, at least) team.  The destination definitely sucked, but I enjoyed the road trip to get there.  And today, that’s worth remembering.