That’s me. Employee Number 8. I make:
- pinching your stuff like a little kid trying not to pee his pants somehow seem gangsta.
- impressionable girls get in trucks.
- $1.2 million for the next 23 games, $900K of which will be spent on my as-yet-FDA-unapproved developmental Starbury magma-infused, beef-gravy-flavored sport beans. The remaining $300K will go toward my next tat; a high-res headshot of Trent Tucker across my torso framed by the phrase “I WANT TO BELIEVE.”
- slightly exaggerated claims about how good I am relative to my co-workers.
- five points off the back-end of any future films developed about Rodney Carney, Carnie Wilson, Wilson Chandler, the Chandler Project, Bing Crosby, Crosby Stills and Nash, Nash Bridges, Todd Bridges (seen here with Willie Aames), Mia Doi Todd, M.I.A., Octomom, Moms Mabley, Cuttino Mobley and Maeby Fünke. (I was pretty bored for most of this season, so I bought a lot of development rights.)
- the best arroz con pollo you’ve ever tasted, homes.
- rappers disappear, whisper in your ear, crystal clear. Come here — let me kiss your tears. Everything you fear is here; you ain’t got to search further. The first murder’s the worst. Now I thirst further for reverse birth.
- Boston fans kind of nervous.
- Bruce Beck REALLY nervous.
- Zeke REALLY nervous.
- Rafer Alston look like Jeff Hornacek.
- Derek Harper a little sad, but also more than a little intrigued about how freeing it might be to be “bad” for once.
- Ray Allen apologize for his wooden performance as “me” in He Got Game every day.
- way better book club suggestions than you’d think. While I was sitting, I read Man’s Search for Meaning, William Greider’s Who Will Tell the People?, A Drinking Life, Gogol’s Lost Souls (that shit hit me right where Trent’s left eye’s gonna be), Our Band Could Be Your Life and The Color Purple.
- pretty altruistic gestures that, ultimately, don’t seem to matter all that much.
- peace each night with the one true God. He lives in this lake. And his name is Zorgo.
- KG sick wistful for the days when he did commercials like this instead of commercials like this.
- things seem different, even when they probably aren’t.
Inspiration courtesy of this old-ass Antoine Walker Adidas commercial. ¡Viva la referencia antiguo!