Maybe I’m overselling here, but this just strikes me as fucking bananas. According to Bob Dutton at the Kansas City Star (via Ballhype), Kansas City Royals outfielder José Guillen really wants to be on the field. Like, REALLY wants to be on the field. So much so that he eased the pain in his right big toe “by yanking out a severely ingrown nail.”
The nail was only a slight irritant Monday when Guillen reported to camp but soon worsened from the pounding caused by various workouts.
“The doctor saw me (Wednesday),” Guillen said, “and he said we’ll see how it feels in the morning. If it wasn’t any better, he wanted me to have surgery. I thought, ‘Whoaaa.’
“Whoaaa,” indeed. Like many pasty young things attempting to stay healthy while staying out of the doctor’s office, Guillen decided that going under the knife wasn’t really for him, and that he’d prefer to take matters into his own hands:
“So I went on my own (Wednesday) to the pharmacy, got some tweezers, came home and pulled it out myself. Let me tell you, I cried. I had one tough hour. But I got it out.”
Guillen said the nail had hooked and twisted deep into the skin.
“I reached in there (with the tweezers),” he said, “and poked around until I got the end of it. Then I counted one, two, three and just pulled …. Oh, my God. It came out, but tears were running down my cheeks.”
Yep, I’d imagine that might sting a bit.
Let’s be clear: Tears would be the least of things running down my cheeks if I’d done that. Pious Latinas would be crossing themselves and calling their priests at the sight of what came out of my eyes if I’d done that. Goth chicks would envy my passion for and dedication to The Crow if I’d done that. Animal control would be quarantining me if I’d done that (WARNING: MAD GROSS). This is why Jose Guillen is more of a man than me.
Also, he’s apparently f’n fine.
“Look,”” he said, pushing off on his heel. “I can put pressure on it. It’s not painful anymore. We’ll see how it grows out now. Hopefully, this won’t bother me, and it won’t hold me back or anything like that.”
And if it does, you can always just lop off your foot and put a wheel on it like Rosie from The Jetsons. Christ.