EDITOR’S NOTE: Well aware that this is ancient at this point — I’d started work on it when it was still somewhat relevant, then got shut down by work, and all of a sudden it was a full two days after the news cycle had stopped giving a shit and I still felt partial to the image. Your indulgence is appreciated.
Shocking news out of New York on Monday: Someone found engaging in a business relationship with embulleted New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress to be “an ordeal.” Well, knock me over with an obviousness!
Frankly, it surprises me far more that the AP did this much digging on Plax’s background than it does that he’s forgotten, neglected or flat-out declined to fulfill his legal, financial or adult responsibilities on at least nine occasions over the past nine years. I had pretty much accepted as a given that, with the exception of those periods of motivation during which he could elevate his athletic gifts to a level matched by very few of his peers, he was pretty much a focusless fuckup more suited to a supporting role in How High? or a Waldo Faldo-heavy episode of Family Matters than to matters of, y’know, any sort of relevance. That anyone else hadn’t is something of a shock to me.
Also, did you know that Wimpy’s full name is J. Wellington Wimpy? Because that fucking blew my mind.