So the big game’s tonight, and you’re probably either hosting a party or attending one. Here’s the thing: If there are more than five people there, it’s a pretty good chance that most of them will be fucking losers, dude. The kind of people that watch football once a year, the ones “who are only here to watch the commercials, fr’real,” the ones who think the Super Bowl is “like the Oscars for meatheads,” and the ones who “overuse sarcastic airquotes like it’s their job.” (There’s also a better than good chance that these are your girlfriend’s friends, who you would prefer to never see under any circumstances, ever.) If you’re attending the party, they will be drinking beer and eating food that should rightfully be yours; if you’re hosting the party, this is true times 50, and super unfair.
There’s really not much of a solution to this problem, to be honest. You could go the route I did last year when my Giants were in the Super Bowl — cook a bunch of food, buy a bunch of beer, invite people over to your shoebox apartment and offer them whatever they want, so long as they don’t utter a fucking sideways word about your team during the game, they don’t talk over the commentary (televised or expletive-filled-from-me), and they don’t come over ever again. Didn’t win me any friends, but it did win me a Super Bowl (SUPERSTITIONS RULE) and it did simplify things for this year’s game … now, instead of having to accommodate a bunch of random assholes, I’ll be spending the day driving back from a fiancee’s family function, hoping I can make it back to Boston in time to aimlessly meander my way through a decidedly untitillating contest.
It might not be the best way to watch the game, but it sure as shit beats listening to Rachel talk about how the GoDaddy commercials are, like, gross. Yo, fuck Rachel.
If you root for the Steelers or the Cardinals, enjoy the game. If not, enjoy pretending to enjoy the game. See you tomorrow, sports fans.