A question for you, fair reader: How often do you find yourself saying, “Man, life’s the balls and all, but there’s just one thing missing: A family-oriented Internet ‘television’ network programmed by former basketball player Doug Christie and his reportedly weeeeeird wife Jackie”?
If you answered “at all,” have I got awesome news for you:
From the sometimes unconventionally punctuated press release, which calls the Christies a “power team” and “the NBA’s most influential couple” (this despite the fact that your man hasn’t laced them up in the big show since playing seven games for the Clips in ’06-’07):
(Hollywood, CA) — Entrepreneurs, Doug and Jackie Christie launch an Internet Television Network, ‘Christie TV’ at www.christietvonline.com. Christie TV will have programs covering content ranging from major and indie artist interviews, tutorials and “How-To’s,” producer and music executive tips, documentaries, movies, reality TV, as well as sports broadcast and much more. Production has already begun and will be based out of Hollywood California, Seattle Washington, and Washington DC.
“We are providing a new online network that will have superior programming that caters to all aspects of television and still sends a positive message,” states Jackie Christie.
According to the release, projects on deck include:
- “Chani’s Story,” an original series featuring “teen pop sensation” Chani — also known as Chantel Christie, the power couple’s daughter;
- “The Low,” a “variety show … with a format similar to a modern day ‘In Living Color'”;
- A video version of their Blog Talk Radio show (if he were here, Wilt would want the Christies to stop biting off Tas and Skeets);
- Probably something stuffed to the brim with the kind of lovey-dovey horseshit that makes you feel like less of a man just by contemplating it.
And just to get you out on the right note, the release ends in some meaningless corporate-speak and PR lingual jiu-jitsu:
Jackie Christie, Co-Founder, went on to say that a second goal is to make the Network interactive with its subscribers through unique use of the latest technology.
Wondrous. Listen, I don’t like rooting for people to fail … no, wait, I love doing that. FAIL, CHRISTIES. FAIL LIKE YOU’VE NEVER FAILED BEFORE.
(One more thing: I need people of all creeds and religious backgrounds to stop using the word “family” when they mean “boring-ass Christian-themed.” I got no truck with people that live their faith and want to broadcast it in the process, but there are lots of different kinds of families out there; some, like the Devine family, vastly prefer programming peppered with adult language, mature situations and possibly even strong sexual content. [Especially Mom.] We’re not spoken to by such a narrowly tailored definition, and we’d prefer not having to come up with a new word to describe our method of interrelation, lest we find ourselves mistaken for the type of folks who’d watch Christie TV.)