Doug Christie is Launching a New Online Venture? Siiiiiiiiick

Book Titles That Don't Even Begin to Cover It, FTW.

A question for you, fair reader: How often do you find yourself saying, “Man, life’s the balls and all, but there’s just one thing missing: A family-oriented Internet ‘television’ network programmed by former basketball player Doug Christie and his reportedly weeeeeird wife Jackie”?

If you answered “at all,” have I got awesome news for you:

From the sometimes unconventionally punctuated press release, which calls the Christies a “power team” and “the NBA’s most influential couple” (this despite the fact that your man hasn’t laced them up in the big show since playing seven games for the Clips in ’06-’07):

(Hollywood, CA) — Entrepreneurs, Doug and Jackie Christie launch an Internet Television Network, ‘Christie TV’ at www.christietvonline.com. Christie TV will have programs covering content ranging from major and indie artist interviews, tutorials and “How-To’s,” producer and music executive tips, documentaries, movies, reality TV, as well as sports broadcast and much more. Production has already begun and will be based out of Hollywood California, Seattle Washington, and Washington DC.

“We are providing a new online network that will have superior programming that caters to all aspects of television and still sends a positive message,” states Jackie Christie.

According to the release, projects on deck include:

  • “Chani’s Story,” an original series featuring “teen pop sensation” Chani — also known as Chantel Christie, the power couple’s daughter;
  • “The Low,” a “variety show … with a format similar to a modern day ‘In Living Color'”;
  • A video version of their Blog Talk Radio show (if he were here, Wilt would want the Christies to stop biting off Tas and Skeets);
  • Probably something stuffed to the brim with the kind of lovey-dovey horseshit that makes you feel like less of a man just by contemplating it.

And just to get you out on the right note, the release ends in some meaningless corporate-speak and PR lingual jiu-jitsu:

Jackie Christie, Co-Founder, went on to say that a second goal is to make the Network interactive with its subscribers through unique use of the latest technology.

Wondrous.  Listen, I don’t like rooting for people to fail … no, wait, I love doing that.  FAIL, CHRISTIES.  FAIL LIKE YOU’VE NEVER FAILED BEFORE.

(One more thing: I need people of all creeds and religious backgrounds to stop using the word “family” when they mean “boring-ass Christian-themed.”  I got no truck with people that live their faith and want to broadcast it in the process, but there are lots of different kinds of families out there; some, like the Devine family, vastly prefer programming peppered with adult language, mature situations and possibly even strong sexual content.  [Especially Mom.]  We’re not spoken to by such a narrowly tailored definition, and we’d prefer not having to come up with a new word to describe our method of interrelation, lest we find ourselves mistaken for the type of folks who’d watch Christie TV.)

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6 responses to “Doug Christie is Launching a New Online Venture? Siiiiiiiiick

  1. Wow some people will always be jelous of that nba player and to continue to spread that lie about his family is just sooooo uncool and what you say SIIIICKKK and by the way we looked up all the so called rumors asbout them on SNOPES.COM and found that they are all not true and lastly mam or sir we used to do this same thing to this couple and now we feel horrible for treating other people we did not even know so ba by spreading hate. don’t know what your motivation for doing it is but god does not like ugly. so our suggestion to you and others is to wise up.

  2. Wow some people will always be jelous of that nba player

    I’ll totally own up to a certain degree of jealousy of any pro ballplayer — of their athletic abilities, of the paychecks they cashed during their careers, etc. Has nothing to do with what appears to be a heinous Web channel/programming block.

    by the way we looked up all the so called rumors asbout them on SNOPES.COM and found that they are all not true

    I think this is what you’re referring to — a point brought up by a commenter in the post I linked to, not from the actual post itself. But fine, duly noted. That’s one rumor debunked on Snopes — I can’t find any others in searches for either Doug Christie or Jackie Christie. Can you point me to any others?

    lastly mam or sir we used to do this same thing to this couple

    I’d totally link to that.

    now we feel horrible for treating other people we did not even know so ba by spreading hate

    I have no doubt that Doug Christie and his wife are fine, upstanding people. Fine people can be reportedly weeeeeeird and produce horrible entertainment content. Like, for example, the disagreeable post that you commented on.

    don’t know what your motivation for doing it is

    Plugging their channel, sharing an opinion, diverting my attention from my job for a minute. That’s pretty much it.

    but god does not like ugly. so our suggestion to you and others is to wise up.

    Again, duly noted. Thanks for reading.

  3. you do have a huge point and i must say you have a awesome colum and your a real guy most people would get all hot and bothered and you have not you just stated the facts so i stand corrected and as far as the channel being not good i think its cool it is new with content i’m sure being added but you know what most of the time athletes are cheating on their wives or drunk driving or some foul offence to the law and society at least this couple is still trying to do good things and stay on the right side huh? but still again i really enjoy your blogs and will conyinue reading and supporting them i have sent e blast to 5,000 on my data base already keep up the great work & thanks for responding man,

  4. There’s a website called ‘Snopes’?

    • Yup — it’s a pretty decent B.S. detector. By the way, thanks for the plug — I’ll have to reciprocate by adding you to my blogroll (thereby introducing my half-dozens of readers to your stuff).

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