Introducing the new Employee Number 8

(Reuters photo via Daylife)

That’s me.  Employee Number 8.  I make:

• pinching your stuff like a little kid trying not to pee his pants somehow seem gangsta.
• impressionable girls get in trucks.
• $1.2 million for the next 23 games, $900K of which will be spent on my as-yet-FDA-unapproved developmental Starbury magma-infused, beef-gravy-flavored sport beans. The remaining $300K will go toward my next tat; a high-res headshot of Trent Tucker across my torso framed by the phrase “I WANT TO BELIEVE.”
• slightly exaggerated claims about how good I am relative to my co-workers.
• five points off the back-end of any future films developed about Rodney Carney, Carnie Wilson, Wilson Chandler, the Chandler Project, Bing Crosby, Crosby Stills and Nash, Nash Bridges, Todd Bridges (seen here with Willie Aames), Mia Doi Todd, M.I.A., Octomom, Moms Mabley, Cuttino Mobley and Maeby Fünke. (I was pretty bored for most of this season, so I bought a lot of development rights.)
• the best arroz con pollo you’ve ever tasted, homes.
• rappers disappear, whisper in your ear, crystal clear. Come here — let me kiss your tears.  Everything you fear is here; you ain’t got to search further.  The first murder’s the worst.  Now I thirst further for reverse birth.
• Boston fans kind of nervous.
• Bruce Beck REALLY nervous.
• Zeke REALLY nervous.
• Rafer Alston look like Jeff Hornacek.
• Derek Harper a little sad, but also more than a little intrigued about how freeing it might be to be “bad” for once.
• Ray Allen apologize for his wooden performance as “me” in He Got Game every day.
• way better book club suggestions than you’d think. While I was sitting, I read Man’s Search for Meaning, William Greider’s Who Will Tell the People?, A Drinking Life, Gogol’s Lost Souls (that shit hit me right where Trent’s left eye’s gonna be), Our Band Could Be Your Life and The Color Purple.
• pretty altruistic gestures that, ultimately, don’t seem to matter all that much.
• peace each night with the one true God. He lives in this lake. And his name is Zorgo.
• KG sick wistful for the days when he did commercials like this instead of commercials like this.
• things seem different, even when they probably aren’t.

Inspiration courtesy of this old-ass Antoine Walker Adidas commercial. ¡Viva la referencia antiguo!

Stephon Marbury will now go nuclear on Moscow, Athens and the entire cast of “According to Jim”

When you inevitably make fun of my photo game, please be gentle — I know I have a long way to go. (Original Starbury courtesy of Salman Jafri/wcremix.com)

ESPN.com basketball writer Chris Sheridan is reporting that Greek basketball team Olympiakos (with a K, because Tas Melas a.k.a. The Grecian Formula told me so) is pursuing former New Orleans Hornets/current Dynamo Moscow guard Jannero Pargo, last seen by North American fans jacking up shots that should have been taken by Chris Paul in the waning minutes of a Game 7 Hornets loss to the San Antonio Spurs during the 2008 Western Conference Finals.

Add in the fact that there was no contact between Olympiakos and the Knicks about Marbury’s contract situation on Thursday, and the sum works out to: We ain’t want you anymore, Steph.  (I knew those theoretical basketball math classes would help.)

It just kind of sounds weird, doesn’t it?  Yes, Marbury is an all-time team murderer, but he’s also a significantly better talent than Jannero Pargo, isn’t he?

Actually, no.  Check their per-36 numbers, courtesy of Basketball-Reference (Steph’s are here, Pargo’s are here).  Over the past three years, their points and steals per-36 have been nearly the same; Steph’s averaged about one more assist/36, but Pargo’s had about one more rebound/36; they’ve turned the ball over at roughly the same rate over the last two years; Pargo’s been a better free-throw and 3-point shooter, while Steph’s had the edge from inside the arc.  Also, Pargo’s two years younger and Steph’s batshit crazy.

Forget all the head tattoos, truck parties and the heal-the-Earth stuff.  This might be the most damning thing I’ve ever learned about Stephon Marbury: For the past three years, he hasn’t been demonstrably better than Jannero Pargo.

Wow.