Explaining Knicks fans in 100 words or less

EDITOR’S NOTE: As I’ve been exhuming this blog over the past couple of days, I’ve found that I had a couple handfuls of draft posts saved up.  Some of them never went live for totally understandable reasons — they needed a Photoshop job that I never got to, a joke needed tweaking, etc. — but I have no idea why this one didn’t go up.  So, here it is, woefully out of context and for no apparent reason whatsoever. – DD

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“Something tells me that even the most bellicose Knicks fan will allow him that courtesy, rather than resenting his contract from dusk till dawn.”

Knicks fans will forgive anything — anything — if we believe you’re trying hard. The reason we’ve hated Eddy Curry (and why we hated Jerome James) isn’t because they’ve been bad players when they’ve played (though neither was exactly Moses Malone). It’s because it became obvious very early and very often that neither one of them gave much of a shit about trying to get on the court or trying very hard once they got out there. Dude, Knicks fans remember RICK BRUNSON fondly, and he was terrible. It’s not the money; it’s the malaise.

Athlete Christmas Lists: Darko Milicic

What’s the point. It doesn’t even matter. Presents don’t make you feel better. Nothing makes you feel better. Whatever. I don’t even care.

1. That Deftones CD that has their cover of the Smiths’ “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” on it. It’s darker.
2. Gift card to The Black Angel. I don’t care for how much. Whatever. Like it matters.
3. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director’s Cut. Right, like you get why it’s cool. So lame.
4. Hangover on DVD.
5. Admission ticket to Disneyland Paris for when I get back to Europe. “Why?” You wouldn’t understand.

xDarkox

Knicks fans, the future of excitement is now

Do you love New York, and also are a fan o’ tha Knixx?  If so, you must pretty stoked about the Summer of 2010.  I don’t know if you heard, but by clearing out cap space, making mad moves and shedding the bloody spectre of Zeke by winning the mother of all games of Risk with Florida International University Director of Athletics Pete Garcia, team president Donnie Walsh has Dominant Team Pringles pointed in the right direction.

According to accurate Internet reports, the Meltface Killah has already locked up the contractual rights to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, a possibly re-energized DMX, “The Man of 1000 Holds” Dean Malenko, effeminate comedian Greg Proops and Randy Quaid, who, as we all know, is the Alpha Quaid.

But all that pales in comparison to the news this week that the Knicks may start the party a year early.  The New York Post reported Monday that Orlando Magic backup center Marcin Gortat is high on the team’s wish list, and that Walsh could look to spend New York’s $5 million mid-level exception on “The Polish Hammer,” a.k.a. “The Warlock,” a.k.a. “Maxi-Me,” a.k.a. “Marcin Ndegeocello.”

You’re probably thinking: Bummer. We’ve already given a multi-year mid-level contract to a backup center who showed flashes for one good season series, and that didn’t turn out too well.  But you’re forgetting one thing — the immeasurable cultural electricity and citywide excitement that could result from one simple event, one tiny little appearance that we could, as a fanbase, WILL INTO REALITY next summer if Walsh gets that deal done:

Marcin Gortat at Hot 97 Summer Jam.

To help you visualize how dope that would be, we here at this is the city line. have created a crude artist’s rendering:

And also filed this real photograph of Marcin giving the ladies something to think about:

Marcin Gortat = Drake 2.0?

Don’t blow this, Donnie.

Frank Isola + Myself = DiscoveryBros

His face may be blurry, but his discoveries aren't!

Y’know, I’m really not a fan of the name of New York Daily News beat writer Frank Isola’s “Knicks Knation” (ugh) blog, but dammit, dude keeps firing off stuff worth reading. Case in point: last night’s “Six degress of Obama” missive linking everyone’s favorite 44 (sorry, KVH, though we’ve still got mad love for you) to the orange and blue. Dig in with me, won’t you?

We have discovered a peculiar link between the Knicks and President Obama that has nothing to do with Chris Duhon’s relationship with Reggie Love, his former Duke teammate who is an aide/body guard/power forward to the President.

The Knicks of Two Penn Plaza and the President of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are connected because of the NBA’s former first family of nuttiness, Antonio and Kendra Davis.

You may remember Antonio running into the stands at the United Center in Chicago because he believed an unruly fan had touched his wife and threatened her.

[snip]

For those who don’t recall, here’s the incident in question:

This unfortunate though ultimately (and thankfully) mellow — I’m not quite sure what to call it; not a fracas, donnybrook, scuffle or melee due to lack of violence, but certainly something happened … maybe a to-do? no, wait, I’ve got it – kerfuffle took place the season after the Pacers-Pistons beef in Auburn Hills, and as such led to Davis’ suspension.

Scene set? Everyone familiar? Back to Isola’s post:

The fan in question was Michael Axelrod, the son of top Obama advisor David Axelrod who along with the President attended last week’s Bulls-Wizards.

The elder Axelrod, of course, is the architect of the coalition-congealing hopespeak that catapulted Obama to the presidency (and, in my own fair state of Massachusetts, Deval Patrick to the governor’s office, as Adam Reilly of the Boston Phoenix detailed in the run-up to the election).

Isola goes on to rifle through some old clips to document how Kendra Davis doesn’t know karate but does know ca-razay, then calls it a night.  A good time was had by most.

One thing, though: “We have discovered a peculiar link between the Knicks and President Obama…”

Have we, sir?

From the aforelinked Jan. 20, 2006, Associated Press wire story:

Axelrod’s father, David, is a prominent Democratic political consultant in Chicago who has worked with Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton and Chicago mayor Richard M. Daley.

From Chicago ABC affiliate WLS-TV’s Jan. 20, 2006, write-up:

The fan in question happens to be the son of prominent political strategist David Axelrod, and he has hired an attorney who plans to file suit against both Antonio and Kendra Davis for battery and slander.

From Howard Beck’s Jan. 23, 2006, New York Times piece:

Michael Axelrod, 22, was sitting in his father’s seats at the United Center last Wednesday for the Knicks-Bulls game. His brief dispute with Kendra Davis prompted Antonio Davis to go into the stands during a timeout. … ”I think people say things in the heat of the moment, and sometimes you have to get a little time and perspective,” said David Axelrod, a prominent consultant for the Democratic Party. Michael Axelrod’s only objective, his father said, was to clear his name.

From Antonio Davis’ freaking Wikipedia page:

The fan in question, Michael Axelrod, the son of David Axelrod, the 2008 campaign manager for Barack Obama, has stated that he was attacked by Davis’ wife, and his lawyer revealed plans to sue for roughly a million dollars and a public apology by the Davises.

So “discovery” means “repackaging ancient, long-since-asked-answered-and-set-aside ephemera”?  Siiiiiiiiick.

Hey guys, check it out! I just “discovered” the next really great Web site: Friendster!

I just discovered this HILARIOUS cutting-edge video:

I just “discovered” this really cool picture!

I just “discovered” these super intriguing continents!

“Discovering” stuff is easy, dude. So glad I learned how to “discover” things from Mr. Isola. I hope someone “discovers” this blog, adds some stuff that Maddox wrote six years ago and rolls it up into their burgeoning online partnership/network/Webehemoth. That’d be dope.

It’s awesome you got the promotion you’ve been angling for, but I think you need to watch your back

BZZZZZBZZZZZZBZZZZZZ
BZZZZZBZZZZZZBZZZZZZ

“On the telephone, she heard my voice
Tell me to pick her up in my Rolls Royce

BZZZZZBZZZZZZBZZZZZZ
BZZZZZBZZZZZZBZZZZZZ

If my Rolls Royce is not for ladies
Then girl, I’m gonna take you in my Mercedes

HELL-o?  Hey, what’s up, man, how you been?  Good, I’m good — just out here watching the game, you know.  … Yup, yup, courtside.  (laughs) Right, I know — not too bad a way to pass the time.

Man, it’s been a minute since we talked — whatever happened with that promotion?  The old man finally come to his senses?  HE DID?

Oh, man, that’s great! That’s SO great. I’m so proud of you. I wish you could see my face — the proud, shining smile on my forever-glistening face. You earned that, boy. So, gimme the scoop — new office? Awesome. Secretary? Sick. What kind of raise are we talking — 10 percent, 12 percent? Well, I mean, hey, it’s not all about the money, right? They’re recognizing all the hours and all the hard work you’re putting in. And you’re happy, right? That’s all that really matters anyway.

That said … there’s a lot you should be thinking about as you take this step in your career.

I mean, it’s awesome you got the promotion you’ve been angling for, but I think you need to watch your back. Money’s real tight for everyone right now, and everyone’s scared of losing their job.  When you factor in the fact that you just came up, that means people are going to be gunning for you. Believe me — I know what that’s like. You need to be ready, because dudes will switch on you in a heartbeat.

Oh, yeah, they’ll be smiling to your face. But behind your back? All they can think about is how to knock you off course. How to take what you got and make it theirs. How to play you too many minutes over too many seasons without enough legitimate secondary and tertiary offensive weapons in a bruising style that never quite gets you to the top, but will hasten the eventual annihilation of your knees and back, all the while explaining that “pain is weakness leaving the body,” “Adolph Rupp always said cold tubs are for quitters, Yankees and homosexuals” and “you’re not half the man Swen Nater was.”

/cough

Listen, all I’m saying is, keep your eyes open. You’re going to meet new people, new contacts … make sure they’re legit, OK? Some of them could ruin your $#!* long-term if you don’t stay mindful. Even if they’re fine as HELL, clad in designer plaid, with a Mona Lisa smile and a vice grip that could crush a non-giant’s hand yet still feels so smooth, so soft nestled in your heroic paw, stay mindful. Big head over little head, dig?

/deep breath

Easy, Big E. Eeeeeeeeeasy.

Hmm? Whuzzat? Oh, right. Your promotion. Listen, you’re going to have good days and bad days, man. Savor the fun times and camaraderie …

And try not to dwell too much on the bad.

Remember: Tomorrow’s another day, baby. Always another chance to get better, to improve. And hey: Expect the unexpected. Things are going to happen that you don’t anticipate — in any job, some weird stuff goes down that leaves you all like, “What the eff?”

Finding your stride in a new position can be awkward at times; you’re going to make some uncomfortable mistakes.

But if you weather the storm, the people will love you, and man, there’s no better feeling in the world.

(Except maybe one.)

All right, man, I should bounce. You got all that?

Pause.

Pause.

Yo, you still there?

I AM BATSAMB

You sure are, buddy. You sure are.

The neoprene sleeves on Nate Robinson’s arms and legs significantly limit his wind resistance

Because I promised the Dawg yesterday, KryptoNate goes up top and deposits a sick feed from Chris Duhon in the Knicks’ ultimately disappointing  111-100 loss to the Raptors at the Air Canada Centre yesterday:

Other points on this game, which I had the pleasure of watching with my brothers the day after my nephew’s week-late family birthday party:

• There were some downright abysmal offensive sets, ameliorated only slightly by significantly worse defensive play. There were probably a half-dozen instances of forward/guard inverts that led to Chris Bosh posting up Larry Hughes, Shawn Marion on Chris Duhon or some such other big-small mismatch. If Bosh was on (just 11 points on 5-14 from the floor, though he did add 12 boards), the Knicks would have gotten run off the court, due in part to …

• Andrea Bargnani. “Il Mago” tore Dominant Team Pringles apart, which is kind of insane, and on several occasions did so off the dribble, which is CERTIFIABLY insane.  Also, I kind of expected Clyde to mangle the Italian’s really-not-all-that-difficult-to-pronounce name, but to hear Gus Johnson chip in and call him “Barn-yarn-ee” all game was somewhat surprising.  And about Gus …

• He shortened the “My name is Al Harrington and I get buckets” call after one Baby Al score to a creepy laugh followed by the single word “buckets.”  Like, “Ah ha ha ha HA, buckets.”  We rewound and watched it a few times.  Haven’t found the video yet, but it was legitimately disconcerting.

• I initially thought Ball Don’t Lie scribe Kelly Dwyer was a little too kind to the Knicks in this morning’s Behind the Box Score, but then I remembered that they’re really not good enough that they should be expected to handle a team like the Raptors on the road. And this point is spot-on:

If the team is going to take that next, unexpected step, it has to start playing perfect games. Or, at least, come a little closer to perfection that what we saw in Toronto on Sunday. There are reasons the Knicks didn’t beat the Raptors, nothing to kill the team over, but it’ll be enough to keep the Knicks out of the postseason if they persist.

Still, though, isn’t it nuts that we’re even discussing things that might “be enough to keep the Knicks out of the postseason if they persist,” and not “the senses-shattering string of miracles that have to take place in an utterly improbable sequence that the Knicks, in defiance of all that is rational and pure, might make the postseason”? That’s kind of nice.

• Wherefore art thou, Danilo? I think we all expected that importing Chris Wilcox and Larry Hughes would necessitate some changes in the rotation, but I was pretty surprised that Gallinari didn’t see the court at all.  Seth at Posting and Toasting made a nice point: “[I]f there’s anybody whose minutes should be sacrificed, it’s Jared Jeffries.”  I’d take it a step further: Jared Jeffries should be sacrificed.  Like, in a ritual, possibly presided over by a New Orleans-based Haitian Voudou priestess.

• Speaking of Larry: Off to a great start, champ.

Mil gracias para el vídeo, Alto Baloncesto.

Happy birthday, Trey: Your problem is now my problem

YOU ARE BETTER SERVED LISTENING TO SMART PEOPLE UPDATE: Check out KnickerBlogger‘s analysis on today’s two deals.  Their verdict: Mostly meh, with a side of “Wilcox should be better than Rose.”

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UNUTILIZED GUNNER UPDATE: Stein is now reporting that Anthony Roberson is also part of the deal, headed to Chicago.  He’s got a deal worth $855,189 that expires after next year, and appears to be added just to make the money stack up right.

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CRUNCHING THINGS UPDATE: Wilcox is a $6.75 million contract expiring this year, meaning that the Knicks effectively flipped an injured center that never played for them, an old bad forward who never played for them, a relatively decent bench contributor and about $1.5 million total dollars for a big 2010 expiring deal and a two-month rental look at an energetic forward who represents a front-court upgrade over what they have on the bench (and who seems like an excellent fit in SSOL that could be a sort of David Lee-lite).

On its face, this seems to be a pretty good deal for the Knicks.  But I’m sure I’m missing something — what is it?

ALSO: Here again is the inspiration for the headline.

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UPDATE: Marc Stein at ESPN.com is reporting that the New York/Chicago deal is actually a three-way trade with Oklahoma City that would send Malik Rose’s $7.65 million expiring deal to the Thunder, Tim Thomas and Jerome James to Chicago, and Chris Wilcox and Larry Hughes to the Knicks.  More as I crunch things.

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Well, that’s what I get for taking like three hours to write 1,500+ words — just like that, the fruits of my labor get bumped down the page.

According to Yahoo! Sports writers Adrian Wojnarowski and Johnny Ludden (via the venerable J.E. Skeets’ Twitter feed), the Knicks and Bulls have agreed on a trade that sends shooting guard Larry Hughes to Manhattan in exchange for fugazy-hater Tim Thomas and everyone’s favorite morbidly obese thief, Jerome James.

Upon learning the news, the first thing I did (after registering my reaction via Twitter) was rush to the HoopsHype salary database to see how substantially this deal differs from the other proposals that were tossed around over the past 48 hours or so.

If my math’s right, in this configuration, New York sends out about $13 million in deals that expire next year (James’ $6.6M + Thomas’ $6.46M) in return for Hughes’ $13.65 million deal expiring next year, though James (out for the season with an Achilles tendon injury) may be forced to retire this off-season, in which case (I believe) insurance would pick up his 2009-2010 salary.  Which would mean that the Bulls save just over $7.2 million on this deal and get a guy who, when he’s not completely dogging it and infuriating you with his inability to reach his potential, can hit shots and be a rotational player (talents he didn’t exactly showcase during his last stint in Chicago, though that probem may have been largely Skilesque).

Meanwhile, the Knicks get rid of one non-performing asset, but lose a somewhat valuable guy who’s been a contributor since he came here from the Clippers, all to get back, well, the guy who may be the most-hated non-superstar in Blogfrica.  Hard to see this making too much sense, unless the Knicks are still planning to use Malik Rose’s $7.65 million expiring contract to turn into another piece.

As is his wont, Larry Hughes is causing me to have an existential crisis

HE IS THE MINDFREAK. (Photo courtesy of The Plain Dealer's Early Edition blog)

When I saw the headline to the Wednesday post on New York Daily News reporter Frank Isola’s “Knicks Knation” (ugh) blog, I felt a chill run down my spine:

“Knicks targeting Bulls’ Larry Hughes.”

For real?  I mean, I’d heard possible trades discussed that would maybe allow the Knicks to shed a contract or two, maybe bring back an expiring deal, maybe add a frontcourt asset, etc.  But “targeting”?  Larry Hughes?

Are they aware that this is the dude whose reputation for taking abysmal, low-percentage shots at inopportune times inspired someone actually started a Web site called “Hey Larry Hughes, Please Stop Taking So Many Bad Shots“?  That he has in the past worn an ungodly body armor undershirt contraption that would elicit derision from the hairiest, Rec-Spec-iest dudes in your Wednesday morning YMCA league?

That he has engendered such distaste among Bulls fans that Matt at Blog-a-Bull admitted he “may have snuck in a pump of the fist when [he] saw Larry Hughes crumple to the ground” during a pre-season game against the Timberwolves?  That goathair’s lone birthday wish for this trade deadline (BTW, happy birfday, broheim) was that his beloved Bulls ship out Hughes?

That math genius Tom Ziller wrote at The Sporting Blog that “Hughes + Basketball = Wincing pain“?  That spiritual sage Bethlehem Shoals at the same site once advised Bulls GM John Paxson that Hughes “will destroy this team if you let him shine, like a cult leader and corrupt guidance counselor rolled up in one“?

That, through a uniquely distasteful combination of poor play and selfishness, he earned this etherization by Eamonn Brennan, noted scribe of seemingly everywhere?

Larry. Real talk. You are not as good as you think you are. You’re that awkward, crappy guy at open gym who, for whatever reason, thinks he’s really good, and alienates an entire court of eager basketball players in the meantime. You are self-deluded. You don’t command minutes. You waste possessions. You don’t defend. Your arm sleeve-sweater-thing is utterly ridiculous. You take horrible shots. SOMEONE NAMED A WEB SITE AFTER YOUR BAD SHOTS. IT WAS QUITE POPULAR DESPITE ITS INCREDIBLY LONG URL.

Christ, Larry. Figure it out. You’re the only one that hasn’t.

(I knew there was a lot of Larry Hughes-centric venom on the Internet, but I never knew it was this widespread … and we haven’t even gotten to the Basketbawful retrospective.  More on that to come.)

And yet, here we are, with Isola reporting that team president Donnie Walsh is considering flipping the expiring contract of Malik Rose and at least one player asset — including, possibly, restricted-free-agent-to-be Nate Robinson, whose stock has jumped after a string of quality performances leading into the All-Star break and whose monster 38-minute-32/10-with-3-assists-and-zero-TO line in Tuesday’s surprise victory over the Spurs led Kelly Dwyer to write the following: “That’s a line, and I’m being serious, that we were used to seeing from Dirk Nowitzki during his MVP run” — to bring in Hughes, whose $13.65 million contract comes off the books heading into the much-ballyhooed Summer of 2010.

(LONGEST SENTENCE EVER.)

But hold the phone on the giant cap-space clearance.  Let’s see if we can’t handicap the odds of this sucker actually going down.

Over at ESPN.com, Chris Sheridan last night gave us the good ol’ “go fuck yourself, trade watchers!” coin flip:

I have one very plugged-in source telling me that the Knicks still have a “slim but possible” chance of landing Larry Hughes, while another source was equally emphatic in saying he expects the Bulls to keep Hughes in mothballs now that they’ve dropped some $200,000 under the luxury tax threshold via the Brad Miller/John Salmons deal.

Today’s Chicago Tribune reports that “a nearly completed deal sending Hughes to the Knicks for Malik Rose and Jerome James fell apart Wednesday.”  At the same time, however, today’s Chicago Sun-Times says that Hughes didn’t travel with the Bulls to Milwaukee for their game against the Bucks (intrigue!) and that the framework for a Hughes deal might involve David Lee going Midwest and Kirk Hinrich heading to the Big City of Dreams.  (NOTE: Newsday’s Alan Hahn says that deal’s not happening, and that Lee’s not going anywhere.)

That first trade would make some economic sense — the Bulls get Rose’s expiring $7.65 million deal to create some space this off-season, the Knicks shed the now-largely-symbolic albatross of Big Snacks and turn about $14.25 million in total expiring contracts (spread over two years) into one lump-sum $13.65 million goner next year, the overwhelmingly obvious and explicitly stated goal of everything they do.

On the other hand, the second proposal would make most Knicks fans cry, cry, cry for several reasons:

1. Lee’s become the great white hope for many in the Apple;
2. While Hinrich is a more gifted overall player than Chris Duhon and his 2009 per-36 numbers are about in line with his career marks (with at least a couple of his advanced stats/peripherals nosing up toward his ’06-’07 career bests) despite missing about two months to a thumb injury, he doesn’t appear to represent a monster upgrade over what the Knicks are getting from Duhon this year;
3. Hinrich’s contract pays him through 2011-2012, meaning that even though the Knicks would shed Hughes’ $13.65 million, they’d still have Cap’n Kirk, who doesn’t seem to be too many people’s idea of an NBA championship-caliber starting point guard, on the books for two more seasons.

Added wrinkle: In his post yesterday, Isola claimed that Lee would only go to Chicago in a Hughes deal if the Bulls sent back Joakim Noah or Tyrus Thomas, a framework for which had also been discussed as a “trade that SHOULD happen” by ESPN.com’s Chad Ford (in a post that was summarily pooh-poohed by Tommy Dee at The Knicks Blog on Tuesday).

But what makes this all the more interesting is Isola’s suggestion that some in NY’s front offices are having doubts about whether Lee is talented or savvy enough to merit locking up long-term:

Lee has enjoyed a breakout season but some in the organization wonder if he has reached his ceiling. On Tuesday, Lee was no match for Tim Duncan, who scored 13 fourth quarter points. Lee also missed a crucial free throw in the final minute and then knowingly gave his sixth foul in the final three seconds while guarding Tony Parker, who finished the night shooting 5-for-20.

Although the Knicks won the game, Lee’s decision to give a foul – the Knicks had one to give – was a questionable move at best. If the Knicks were up one, Lee would have been smart to foul. But in a tied game, there is a strong chance that the game will go into overtime. Think of it this way, how many All-Stars (and Lee thinks he belongs in that group) would knowingly foul out of a tie game? The answer is none.

Now, there’s one patently ridiculous point in Isola’s post, as has been noted in various places: Name me all the teams that Duncan doesn’t go to town on, especially down the stretch, especially when opponents are trying to guard him with 6’9″ guys.

But as for the other stuff — the questions about how much more’s left untapped in Lee’s talent reservoir — well, hmm.

/takes himself out of fan mode and tries to think like a company man

If you believe Lee’s reached his ceiling and as a result you’re not really considering him in your long-term plans … and if you’re looking for a higher-potential athlete that might be totally unleashed in Mike D’Antoni’s system (I think we can all agree that Thomas has the chance to be that) … AND if you think teams are unlikely to ever have higher opinions of Lee and Robinson than they do right now …

Then doesn’t it make perfect sense to continue the job started by the Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph deals and use these remaining valuable assets (in conjunction with Rose’s expiring contract) to try to shed the last remaining bad multiyear deals (Jared Jeffries and Eddy Curry) and keep cleaning up the company’s balance sheet?  Especially if said deals could return a chip (Thomas) that has the potential to be a higher-performing asset?

Even if it goes against all intuitive fan instincts to actively try to lose the two players who most make your team worth watching and fun to follow?  Even if it means taking on a millstone (Hughes) that is sure to inspire Silky Johnston-level hating from yours truly (which, come to think of it, might also be considered an upside)?

The man in me thinks the “sell high” principle should take hold and I should have the balls to stick with the same thought process that I maintained when Walsh dumped Crawford and Randolph — this year doesn’t matter, D’Antoni will find ways to be competitive and interesting this season regardless, building the foundation for the future and scouring the books is what counts, etc.

But the fan in me wants to boo the notion of moving Lee and NateRob until my throat is sore because of the life they’ve helped bring to the squad.  It’s causing the clash of head versus heart, intellect versus instinct, adult analysis versus childlike glee.  I honestly didn’t know I cared this much.

Wow.  That’s 1,500+ words I didn’t see coming.  Thanks, Larry Hughes, for making me feel like Dane McGowan after he smokes the blue mold in The Invisibles.  Trade deadline is doing my fucking head in, man.

In which I effectively bail on the Knicks’ 2009 season and talk myself out of a number of players they could potentially select in this year’s draft

With All-Star Weekend now in the rear view mirror, NBA teams fall for the most part into two categories: those making a run at a playoff spot and those casting their eyes toward the Lottery.  Though they played well above pre-season expectations through the first three months of the season, the New York Knicks fall squarely into the latter group.

They’re 10 games under .500 and 3.5 games out of the 8th seed, trailing Milwaukee, New Jersey and Chicago, just ahead of Indiana and Toronto.  While that’s far from an insurmountable deficit, they’re simply playing bad ball, losing six straight to head into the break on a slide fueled by mental lapses, an utter inability to defend elite wings (or anyone, really), and the re-stocking of Al Harrington at the jerkstore.

On top of that, they come back from the All-Star break with an MSG visit from San Antonio tomorrow night, leading  into a home-and-home with a Raptors team that could get a boost from the import of Shawn Marion. Then, Dominant Team Pringles play host to the Pacers (who beat N.Y. at the Garden on Jan. 2), the Magic (who are significantly better than the Knicks by any objective measure, and whose center will have a mighty, Paul Bunyan-esque axe to grind) and the 76ers (who have already beaten the Knicks three times this season) before closing out the month out on the road in Miami, a superior team that should by that point have started to figure out how to integrate Jermaine O’Neal.

Mike D’Antoni’s already thin rotation may also be stretched even thinner in the days to come, as Chris Duhon (ankle sprain), Quentin Richardson (bruised ribs) and Tim Thomas (groin injury) all went into All-Star Weekend banged up.  (Yeah, Eddy Curry’s supposed to start practicing with the team this week as he targets a second-half comeback, but given the shitcloud that’s been following Eddy around for the past year and a half, do you have any doubt that he’ll sever the myelin sheaths of every neuron in his brain during shootaround?)

And it’s unlikely the Knicks would be able to add any helpful pieces via trade — they don’t seem eager to move David Lee, easily their most valuable player; KryptoNate might bring back a draft pick, but nothing of value this season; and their only two expiring deals are Starbury’s $20.8 million, which they haven’t exactly bent over backward to ship out, and Malik Rose’s $7.65 million, which likely wouldn’t return much worth having, because Malik Rose is 74 and stinks.

So while the great Studs Terkel teaches us that hope dies last, the odds don’t look good for the boys in orange and blue to make a postseason run; in fact, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Knicks failed to notch a W in February and completely disappeared from the playoff hunt by March 1.

What do you do in times like these?  Start exercising the 2009 NBA Lottery Mock Draft machine, that’s what.  There’s always next year, and this summer’s draft pick could have you playing for a playoff spot next season.

Except that the Knicks don’t exactly have a great history in the draft; check out this list of first-rounders.  Since taking Patrick Ewing with the first overall pick in 1985, the best picks are probably Mark Jackson (1987) and Lee (2005), and there’s a whole lot of inexorable sadness in between.  And while 2007 first-rounder Wilson Chandler has shown a lot of improvement this year, it’s fair to say there’s some skepticism about how good 2008 pick Danilo Gallinari can be.

So since Knicks fans tend to be disappointed by the team’s draft picks (often with good reason), it seems prudent to start preparing a list of reasons to disapprove of whomever the Knicks select this season.  As I have watched virtually no college basketball this season, my analysis will be based purely on surface appearances, flimsy analogy, woeful misinformation, the occasional anecdote and a plethora of ill will.

Let’s start with Oklahoma’s Blake Griffin, who most project to go #1 overall.

It has been suggested that you are an athletic marvel, a tall man that can run and rebound, a surefire prospect and the draft’s most gifted player, which would be cool for you.  It has also been suggested that you are secretly Kris Humphries, which is lame and deserving of mad scorn.  Based on how surprised you appear in this photograph and on no other research, I believe you will become a disappointing mashup of Tim Thomas, Austin Croshere and Rupert Grint.

What about the player whose name is connected with the Knicks most frequently in the lottery machine, Davidson guard Stephen Curry?

It is my understanding that you shoot the ball very well, that you have great parentage (coming from the Basketball Currys), that you have the height, quickness and handle to play the point at the next level, and that you can score on pretty much anyone.  But you apparently didn’t have the foresight to purchase ankle insurance, nor did you have the foresight to dissuade your talented brother Seth from attending a university that was founded by Jerry Falwell.  All of this suggests a lack of crunch-time leadership that indicates you will not be anywhere near the floor general that Chris Duhon is.  Boo.

And what of the draft’s most exotic import, Spanish teen point guard sensation Ricky Rubio?

You are mad cute, and I keep thinking you’re small, but you’re not really small at all.  You look like Harry Potter, but way cuter.  During the gold medal game against the U.S. last summer, you didn’t look out of place on the court against the best American point guards, which was remarkable.  Internet basketball luminaries like goathair and Tom Ziller and Bill Simmons love you lots, and you seem like a perfect fit for a coach that knows how to get the most out of smart, multitalented point guards, and you’d probably be brilliant triggering an SSOL attack for the next decade.

But you also look like a mustache-less Gael Garcia Bernal in Amores Perros, before he gets super into the world of dogfighting and all of his dreams come crashing down, and that makes me preemptively sad and apprehensive in assessing your chances of success in the world of NBA basketball (a.k.a. “the world of dogfighting”).

I think New York City will eat you alive, literally, which at first sounds like it would make a great horror movie concept, but then when you think about it is actually pretty dumb and would probably need to be like a Troma Films production or something, and then it’s just relegated to the “cult classics” section at Borders and no one ever even watches it seriously, which pisses off the director because hey, we spent a lot of time working on this project, you know?  And now here you people all are, trying to option cartoon rights and get Joe Bob Briggs to do his hillbilly huckster thing on a DVD and make this whole thing into a joke, but we set out to make a legitimate genre-redefining horror movie, one that infused elements of subtle, encroaching fear inspired by sources as varied as Kafka and Henson and Craven and Danzig, and to be honest, I think we did, and that’s the way I view the whole “Big City of Screams” project, if you want to know how I really feel about it.

So maybe you should just go to Washington or the Clippers, Ricky, for all of our sakes.

Other inevitable disappointments:

• Greg Monroe, Georgetown. Mike Sweetney was a gifted Georgetown big, too.  Remember him?  So do I, and so does every permutation of  “Famous,” “Original” and “Ray’s” in the New York metropolitan area.  We won’t get fooled again, Hoyas.
• James Harden, Arizona State. You may say you’re 19, but you look like you’re 60, dog. I don’t believe you; you need more people.
• Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut. Sure, you put up 25/20/9 in a win that brought your #1 ranked team to a 24-1 mark, the best 25-game record in UConn history.  But you remind me of the Bug that wore the Edgar Suit from Men in Black, and while that’s good for post defense, that’s too scary for kids to watch night-in and night-out, and the Knicks are for the children.
• Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. You are a Wake Forest guard who is not Chris Paul. :(
• B.J. Mullens, Ohio State, and Cole Aldrich, Kansas. The Knicks have already gotten lucky with one white big man this decade; to try for another would probably be pushing it.
• Al-Farouq Aminu, Wake Forest. You look really sleepy in a lot of your photos, and sometimes sad, too.  They said the same thing about Tracy McGrady, and look what a total loser he turned out to be.  No thanks.

Who do you think will be a disappointing draft pick, and why?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Enjoy the second half of the season, guys!  Can’t wait until the draft!

Image via FFFFOUND!

Taking stock of a herky-jerky, in-between-hop kind of week

It’s been a weird week here at the friendly confines of this is the city line., and I’m honestly not real sure what it all means.

I started out by trying to shake off illness with drugs and Welsh rock music, then got the surprise blessing of basketblog raconteur Tom Ziller selecting my dumb variant on a pretty common joke for inclusion in Monday’s NBA Essentials link roundup over at FanHouse.  Then the worksplosion started, which sidetracked me pretty significantly, pushing me into throwing up a placeholder post that actually generated a little bit of interest (at least among my friends).

Once safely past Tuesday, I learned that Dominant Team Pringles sucked it up against the Warriors, a team they’re theoretically better than (by the way, my Doomsday prediction of a winless February — click STOP after the link opens to read mine prophecy — remains intact), got sick wistful on the Eddy Curry tip and came late to the Deadbeat Plax party with a Wimpy GIMPoshop.  Then I decided I was going to get drunk while watching a shitload of sports on Wednesday night to get some blog fodder and scrub the detritus from my already-off week.

Except I didn’t.  I wound up watching a bunch of Eugene Mirman videos while drinking/unwinding from work, then going to a good sports bar/bad restaurant, drinking a couple more beers while watching the first half of Celtics/Hornets, during which I took the following notes:

• Hilton Armstrong looks like he could be Ron Artest’s son;
• Kendrick Perkins needs to read goathair‘s hook shot post, because his form is often abysmal;
• Two fouls on Chris Paul four minutes into the game at home = shocking and not good for N.O.;
• Much like former Providence College scrub Leland Anderson, who my friend Chris and I nicknamed “Trainwreck” for his ball-handling “skills” (and who is apparently an aspiring professional wrestler), Hilton Armstrong should never be allowed to trigger the offense from the high post, ever, under any circumstances.  This is why Chris Paul getting two fouls four minutes into the game is bad; it allows Hilton Armstrong to be in a position to make decisions, which will result in him throwing the ball out of bounds at roughly 201 miles per hour;
• David West = David Banner? I couldn’t figure out who the Hornets’ power forward looks like, so I threw down a name with a question mark.  My memory was wrong; see here and here for proof.  But still, I’m vexed that I know David West looks like someone, yet I can’t figure out who.  I’ve Googled it, but can’t find a consensus; DimeMag.com commenter “LakeShow84″ says he “looks like Columbus Short from Stomp The Yard,” which is false. Another commenter at DimeMag.com, which is apparently the home of  people who want to figure out who David West looks like (a.k.a. my new homepage 4 life), says he “looks like the persian general who gets his head cut off by the fat guy with knifes on his arms in the movie 300,” which may be true, but I’ve never seen 300, so that can’t be who I think he is.  And some commenter on http://www.moviesnaps-tv.net (which totally doesn’t sound like a real thing, which is why I’m not trying to link there) suggests that he looks like Master P, which, again, is false.  Any help in resolving this conundrum would be greatly appreciated.
• Lando = Doom? The U.S. v. Mexico World Cup qualifier was on, and I kept thinking that Landon Donovan looks like Julian McMahon, the guy that played Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four movies.  This may not be true, but it also may not be false.  I award me one point.
• Marks = BSkts? This, of course, is Sean Marks = Big Skeets.  I think I win this.
• Paul Pierce is electric early (he wound up being that good throughout, scoring 30 on 19 shots in an 89-77 Celtics win);
• Rajon Rondo giving up his dribble while being guarded by Big Skeets at the three-point line so he can get Ray Allen a contested 21-footer = NO;
• Big Skeets getting alley-oops will always surprise me;
• Which is worse: Rondo’s Rondo-fake into a stepback J/airball or anything Anderson Varejao on offense?

And that’s it.  My fiancee met me out at the bar, we had a drink, I suddenly got very tired, she ordered loaded nachos to go, we went home.  I worked from home yesterday and decided not to write anything; I’m working on a few things now, but nothing’s ready, and I kind of more wanted to use this morning to try to work through why I felt so disconnected from the Internet/had so much trouble getting my head on straight to post over the past few days.

I think I felt weird inside my own skin because my immediate reaction to not getting something substantial up on Tuesday was, “Fuck, I didn’t capitalize on whatever look-in audience might have come from FanHouse.”  Which was weird, because it was the second time in less than a week that I’d had a thought like that (check out the second-to-last paragraph in last week’s “Week in Review” post).  My follow-up in the internal dialogue was, “What the fuck do you care?  You’re just doing this thing for fun, right?”  And the inevitable answer was,  “Because I want to get more readers,” and the inevitable corollary to that is “Because I want this thing to get big,” and that’s when I started to get a little sick inside.

Doing this thing has been remarkably fun and rewarding, and I don’t want to psych myself out of doing it by thinking about it like a small business that’s competing in some kind of depressed sports-joke economy.  The only thing that’ll do is shut this shitshow down on the quick and drive me nuts.  So let’s take this back a step:

Hey there.  I’m Devine.  This is a place where I write dumb shit.  Thanks for reading.  Here’s an unintentionally funny photograph of Jorge Garbajosa and Andrea Bargnani trying to look tough in front of what appears to be a junior prom backdrop. I might write some stuff this weekend; I will definitely write something on Monday.  One post a day, every week day, to distract me and you from our jobs.  Sound fair to you?