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“On the telephone, she heard my voice
Tell me to pick her up in my Rolls Royce
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If my Rolls Royce is not for ladies
Then girl, I’m gonna take you in my Mercedes
HELL-o? Hey, what’s up, man, how you been? Good, I’m good — just out here watching the game, you know. … Yup, yup, courtside. (laughs) Right, I know — not too bad a way to pass the time.
Man, it’s been a minute since we talked — whatever happened with that promotion? The old man finally come to his senses? HE DID?
Oh, man, that’s great! That’s SO great. I’m so proud of you. I wish you could see my face — the proud, shining smile on my forever-glistening face. You earned that, boy. So, gimme the scoop — new office? Awesome. Secretary? Sick. What kind of raise are we talking — 10 percent, 12 percent? Well, I mean, hey, it’s not all about the money, right? They’re recognizing all the hours and all the hard work you’re putting in. And you’re happy, right? That’s all that really matters anyway.
That said … there’s a lot you should be thinking about as you take this step in your career.
I mean, it’s awesome you got the promotion you’ve been angling for, but I think you need to watch your back. Money’s real tight for everyone right now, and everyone’s scared of losing their job. When you factor in the fact that you just came up, that means people are going to be gunning for you. Believe me — I know what that’s like. You need to be ready, because dudes will switch on you in a heartbeat.
Oh, yeah, they’ll be smiling to your face. But behind your back? All they can think about is how to knock you off course. How to take what you got and make it theirs. How to play you too many minutes over too many seasons without enough legitimate secondary and tertiary offensive weapons in a bruising style that never quite gets you to the top, but will hasten the eventual annihilation of your knees and back, all the while explaining that “pain is weakness leaving the body,” “Adolph Rupp always said cold tubs are for quitters, Yankees and homosexuals” and “you’re not half the man Swen Nater was.”
/cough
Listen, all I’m saying is, keep your eyes open. You’re going to meet new people, new contacts … make sure they’re legit, OK? Some of them could ruin your $#!* long-term if you don’t stay mindful. Even if they’re fine as HELL, clad in designer plaid, with a Mona Lisa smile and a vice grip that could crush a non-giant’s hand yet still feels so smooth, so soft nestled in your heroic paw, stay mindful. Big head over little head, dig?
/deep breath
Easy, Big E. Eeeeeeeeeasy.
Hmm? Whuzzat? Oh, right. Your promotion. Listen, you’re going to have good days and bad days, man. Savor the fun times and camaraderie …
And try not to dwell too much on the bad.
Remember: Tomorrow’s another day, baby. Always another chance to get better, to improve. And hey: Expect the unexpected. Things are going to happen that you don’t anticipate — in any job, some weird stuff goes down that leaves you all like, “What the eff?”
Finding your stride in a new position can be awkward at times; you’re going to make some uncomfortable mistakes.
But if you weather the storm, the people will love you, and man, there’s no better feeling in the world.
(Except maybe one.)
All right, man, I should bounce. You got all that?
Pause.
Pause.
Yo, you still there?
You sure are, buddy. You sure are.
Just wanted to let you know that reading this caused me to react by standing up in front of my laptop and doing the slow clap. This was well done.